girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
