Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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