Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
