she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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