the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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