I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
