mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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