im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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