My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
