i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
