we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
