If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
