The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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