She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
