and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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