I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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