listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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