I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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