i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Someone shattered a urinal.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
