god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
