He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
