I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
