I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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