seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
