Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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