Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
