I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
