sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
