so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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