Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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