Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
