do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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