I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
