I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
