i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
