I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
