We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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