Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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