I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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