it's too hot outside to masturbate.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
