yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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