I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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