Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
