she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
