plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
