I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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