I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
