I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
