I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
