So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
